new dad

an over-thinker's initial thoughts on being a papa

New Daughter

My daughter was born almost two weeks ago. After ~9 months of waiting and hearing that having a child will "change everything," the experience so far isn't what I expected. Having a child hasn't "changed everything." I just feel like me, but with a baby. :) Yes I am sleep deprived (like everyone said) but it's not because she's crying all night (like everyone prophesied).

This isn't to say things won't change. Babies grow fast. My daughter already looks different from the day we brought her home. But I thought I would write this week’s post to capture a snapshot in time. This post can serve as a reminder of what the first few days and weeks felt like. Also, this post could give you some insight if you have a kid on the way.

sleep deprivation

Like I said, my sleep quality has plummeted and it's not because she's throwing wild tantrums at night. The crimp in my sleep is this damn newborn feeding schedule. Babies need to eat every 2-3 hours. This includes overnight during the 12am-8am graveyard shift. My wife's been recovering from the delivery, so I've opted to take several graveyard shifts in a row. Let me tell you, waking up every 2-3 hours in the middle of the night will fuck you up.

The effects of bad sleep feel like a depressive episode. I've lost my sense of appetite. I feel nauseous all the time. My energy levels are at all time lows. I walk around in a cloud of thick brain fog. Even if I find a modicum of time to do something creative, like write this post, I can't think straight. My mind is mush.

perspective shift or lack thereof

For a long time, I had heard that having a kid completely rewrites your inner monologue. To echo Anthony Bourdain, the script for your life’s movie no longer has you as the star of the film¹. There is now someone else to please besides yourself. I don't know if I feel this way. I have always cared for other people. People pleasing has been in my nature since I was 3--when my grandma first showered me with love for writing the number “1” correctly.

I don't feel that my daughter is necessarily the star of my movie. She's a new character in my movie. I love her and I want her to be happy, but I feel her and her papa’s dreams can co-exist. Our lives aren’t a zero-sum game. I might just need to plan more than she does to make the balance stick. Sounds like a worthy purpose to chase after.

instant love

The last thing I'll mention is the instant love I felt when she was born. Leading up to her birth, I felt pretty calm about the whole, I'm-going-to-be-a-parent reality that was rapidly approaching. People asked, "are you excited!?" and I didn't know how to respond. I felt good but I wasn't over the moon like I had just won the lotto. I was chill, maybe too chill. At times, I started to worry that maybe I wouldn't feel anything when she was born. Many people list the birth of their first child as a Top 5 life experience. Others (fictional or real), say they felt nothing.

What happened to me was as follows. First, I instantly teared up. It wasn't from a sense of love but from being overwhelmed. It felt like a firework went off in my head and then in my chest.

When they handed her to me, it felt good to have her in my arms. I didn't need to pretend. She felt right, she felt familiar.

Was there love? I suppose so. I wanted her to be happy. I would take a bullet for her. Whatever other trite questions I would ask myself would easily pass the test.

It's strange to feel love so instantly, that’s the interesting part. Usually, at least for me, there's a period of acclimation or getting used to something or someone before a deep connection can form, but not with her. With her, it was instant. And there’s something magical about that.

new daughter

The sleep deprivation is temporary and her affect on my perspective will likely change. She's already quickly transforming before my eyes. The new dad experience, so far, isn't what I thought it would be. It's actually better and less hectic than I anticipated. But that can all change tomorrow and that's fine, that's life. I'm all in.

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Yours,

-Rahul

P.S. a reminder you can reply directly to oldmanrahul@substack.com, or you can tweet me @oldmanrahul about this edition. Thanks for reading and supporting my writing :)

1. Timestamp CBS interview