I've been a perfectionist my whole life, at least until recently.
I used to take perfectionism as a point of pride. I felt everything I worked on was an external representation of myself which meant it all had to be perfect--all details had to be accounted for.
If I needed clean the toilet (I’m usually on toilet cleaning duty), I didn't just use a toilet wand for a few swishes and flicks and call it a day. I bleached the toilet seat, I cleaned the bolts that held the seat to the bowl. I wiped down the base and the water tank. I got all up in the crevices. I even scrubbed the small section of tiled floor between the base of the toilet and the wall. I used to think to myself, if anyone looks at this toilet, they better be in awe of it.
I thought my level of care would show that I was not lazy and that I gave a fuck. But here's the thing, no one is assessing the toilets at my house to this degree. No one gives shit (pun intended) about the small bit of tile behind the toilet. If I clean the main, high-traffic areas, everyone is happy. Anything more than that and I'm just scrubbing for diminishing returns.
The truth is, I was (and still am to some extent) a perfectionist for external validation reasons. The toilet example is obsessive because of what it would say about me. "Damn, you cleaned behind the toilet!?" The awe and praise alone would validate me. I wish the reasons were more pure, more intrinsic, but they're not.
... alright, I realize the toilet example is a little ridiculous but it extends to most things I do. I'm a software engineer by training. I used to rake myself over the coals to make sure I was delivering high quality product. No cutting corners. No workarounds. Only "proper" work that was given all the time it needed to get done right--like a Japanese sword smith forging a katana. I'd like to say it was the craftsmanship, or the love of the process that made me care so much about the details, but the overwhelming reason was fear. Fear of being caught with mistakes in my work. External opinions trumped all.
Present day Rahul, however, is trying to loosen his grip. Less white-knuckling and more "it's good enough."
Why?
Honestly, I think it might just be me getting older and learning that external validation that is satiating isn't coming. I've spent enough time and effort crossing every "t" and dotting every "i" that I've grown tired of crossing and dotting. It’s not that fun.
What is fun is getting more shit done. And, as I see it, the good enough stuff you ship is more personal because the corners you cut and the workarounds you put in place required your creative decision making. The "shortcuts" have a story, a story you get to tell.
Anywho, this "loosening of the grip" has more recently manifested in the repairs that I’ve done. Here's my small gallery:
broken mug repair
Lauren bought me this mug for Christmas one year and I accidentally broke the handle while washing it in the sink. To fix it, I used liquid epoxy and gold leaf paint to put the handle back together. It's not perfect. If you look closely, the epoxy sort of protrudes out. I could've put in the extra effort to file down the excess glue, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
broken hamper repair
I love this stupid little hamper. It was the first piece of "furniture" I bought when I moved to NYC over 10 years ago. The blue circle shows the brown (wicker material?) rope that acts as a hinge between the lid and the base of the hamper. After 10 years of use, the right hinge broke. My wife concluded it was time to throw the whole thing away. I was like "nah" and fixed it with some moli thread I had lying around (green circle). I particularly used religious moli thread to put God in the way of my wife ever throwing this hamper out.
broken back door lock repair
(To be fair, my dad came up with this solution but I'm stealing it for this new apartment I'm moving to soon.)
This is a pic from my parent's place in Canada. The lock on the back door is broken. I think we've tried hiring several contractors over the years to try fixing it but have had no luck. Instead of replacing the door or hiring another contractor, we cut up a plank of hardwood and stuck it in the back railing. To open the door, we simply remove the plank of wood. To lock, just stick it back in. Simple. In fact, it's probably more secure than a brand new lock.
Jake's philosophy
Over 10 years ago, I had an interesting conversation with my friend, Jake that I still think about from time to time. We were talking about school and the level of effort we put towards getting good grades. He said he always aimed for 70% on his tests and exams. His rationale was that he would rather aim for average because it would free up his time for other things like his friends, dating, and God knows whatever else he had going on. Even though I understood where he was coming from at the time, I didn't agree with his philosophy. It sounded like an intentional form of laziness and I had been raised to be competitive, to aim for #1. During the conversation I remember thinking, "he's lazy and he lacks the ambition I have." Over the years, I’ve learned that I was wrong. Jake was thinking smart. He was already secure in himself and didn't need that external validation like I did. That dude was clever. I miss you buddy.
Yours,
-Rahul
P.S. a reminder you can reply directly to oldmanrahul@substack.com, or you can tweet me @oldmanrahul about this edition. Thanks for reading and supporting my writing :)